My perfect home

So, what if you had an immense and expendable income to build your dream home?  What certain characteristics would this home have.  Well, i’ve thought about it and here is my list. 1.  A warner bros. type door that when opened has another door, then another, then another, until you reach a brick wall with a sign nailed to it that says acme 2.  A bathroom mirror that compliments and encourages me to go out and be the best i can be3.  A room whose floor is a trampoline and walls that are made of velcro4.  A band of ninjas that attack me randomly once a day…and let me win5.  monkeys (who wouldn’t want monkeys?)6.  A stocked bar with an old irish bartender who tells jokes7.  A town crier instead of a door bell who rings a large bell and yells who’s at the door8.  A room that gets smaller and smaller to make you feel a little like Alice9.  A hidden passageway from the conservatory to the lounge10.  A rec room whose entrance is and old-timey outhouse somewhere on the propertyMore ideas i’m sure are to come.  What would be in your perfect house? 

Worst Movie

I just looked up several lists of the worst movies ever made, and although i agree that Catwoman, Batman & Robin, Caddyshack 2, and Battlfield Earth are all terrible, not one list had what i consider to e the worst movie ever. Seriously, if you want to lose about an hour and a half of your life while getting so stupid that you don’t even think to turn the damn thing off or just kill yourself, then i ask you to watch this movie immediately.

it’s so bad it gets no stars, but a black hole, 2 thumbs way down and the sounds of babies crying. watch it. i dare you.

What is the worst movie you’ve ever seen?

Things you don’t want to hear on a bus or subway

- my water broke
- i was conceived on that seat
- sure hope the track holds
- next stop harlem!
- i don’t think it’s contagious
- now, Akmed, NOW!
- should this be bleeding?
- wanna trade shoes?
- Woooo! just did a shot with the driver!
- pull my finger
- hold this and act casual
- wanna buy a monkey?
- is that your vomit, cause that’s my pee

I’m Huge!

So, i just went to albany to visit and to go to my friends wedding. Showing my new R.I. drivers license to my friends, one of them pointed out to me that according to my license, i am 570 pounds in weight. How do you mess that up? Can someone who’s 570 even drive a car. They probably can’t even get out of bed.

I can’t wait to get pulled over. The officer’s going to take one look and be like ” wow! yoe look great! good for you! how’d you do it?”

I’ll respond, ” Good diet, exercise and lots of methanphetamines!”

Or maybe i should try and convince him that i actually am 570 pounds. “Large, heavy bones…yup. i wear it well. lots of water weight. it’s all in my ankles. i have very dense, muscular ankles.”

Are you kidding me? 570? Who hired these people?

Rainy Day

I was just walking home from work in the middle of a rain storm and i got to thinking about a few things.

1. Ever notice that the first thing you think to do when it starts raining is to shield yourself under the branches of a tree? That is definitely the most dangerous thing to actually do though, so i guess gut feeling isn’t always the way to go.

2. Then, the next inkling is to reach for an umbrella. Hmmmm….I think i’ll grab this metal rod. That’ll be a good thing to do underneath the flashes of lightning. Maybe i’ll be real clever and take my shoes off to and make a call on the phone and wrap my entire head in tinfoil.

3. Umbrellas shield you from rain….sort of. Your entire bottom half is drenched and you end throwing all of your clothes in the dryer anyway, but at least you precious perm wasn’t ruined.

4. We always jump over puddles. I mean, who wants to step into a puddle. Not me. Crappy part is, we always land in a deeper puddle and the splash gets, what only would have been your foot, but now your entire leg soaked.

Just ask me

Did you ever notice that often, girls don’t ask for things? What i mean is…well…i’ll give you an example. Here is a typical random conversation that might occur…

(I am eating an eggplant parm from a nearby deli)

Her: Hey. Whatcha eatin’?

Me: Eggplant parm.

Her: Where’d you get it? It looks good.

Me: Deli up the street.

Her: I’ve never eaten there before.

Me: No?

Her: Haven’t had eggplant parm in years either

Me: Uh huh.

Her: And that looks really god…

JUST FRICKIN ASK FOR A FRICKIN BITE AND STOP IMPLYING THAT YOU WANT ONE SO THAT I AM FORCED TO OFFER IT! I mean that is just manipulation at it’s worst, because if you didn’t do that, i wouldn’t have offered it to you. When i buy a sandwhich, i buy it with the intent of eating it. So, unless i am full, feeling generous, or just plain old think it tastes like crap, ask me for a bite. I am not going to offer.

License to Drive (me nuts)

Ok. A friend of mine commented, once, on the fact that perhaps it should be required to have a license in order to have a baby. Stupid people are breeding at a faster pace than the level-headed and intelligent ones and they must be stopped. That got me thinking…

You need a license to sell alcohol, but not to drink it; to drive, but not to be the idiot distracting the driver; to own a gun, but not a knife; to get married, but not to have sex or have a child; to teach academics, but not to teach about “your god”; to be a doctor, but not to sell drugs; to be a masseuse, but not to give a “happy ending”; to be a psychologist or psychiatrist, but not to be a counselor…i mean, are you sensing a pattern?

Then i thought that maybe it’s better with contracts, but it’s not. I mean, you need a contract to have a phone plan, but any idiot who doesn’t mind sitting in a chair and annoying the american public during dinner can be a tele-marketer!

Things are a little backwards, huh?

Superbad is Superfrickingood!

I was interested in seeing Superbad, from the maker of 40 Year Old Virgin, from the get go. When a friend of mine told me it was a must see comedy like he’s never seen before, i made sure to see it immediately. After seeing it, I thought to myself, “like he’s never seen before?” Apparently he’s never seen an 80s movie before.

This is the classic 80s scenario in which two or more “losers” are attempting to get some and the crazy adventures thar ensue. I am not saying it is in anyway unorignal though. It was more highly influenced and in a way an homage to those types of films.

The lead roles of seth and evan, played by former co-star comic reliefs Jonah Hill and Michael Cera, are two long life friend who have never been apart and are about to be split up in their next venture to college. Because of their awkwardness, their relationship transcends friendship into an almost romantic gayness that is absolutely and innocently hilarious. They feel that they need to really party down and get laid before college because it is and i quote, “their last chance”.

The somewhat smaller characters in this movie include 2 hysterical unorthodox cops and a annoying and dorky third wheel. One of the cops is played by the author, Seth Rogen, who I can say with fervency is an incredible comic writing talent.

This movie is CRAZY FUNNY! It’s a beautifully modernized Weird Science who’s script is bounds more clever and who’s characters are developed to the point of the audience empathizing and caring. The two main characters at times even presented an awkward sheepishness like that of Woody Allen.

In Four words “Go see this movie!”

Soup and a sandwhich

So, i just went shopping and it would appear that i have an incredibley boring diet. I eat soup and sandwhiches almost exclsively. My fridge and cabinets look like Ronald McDonalds closet.
Don’t get me wrong, i do like other things; sushi, mexican, a good burger. It’s just that i find that i am always in the mood for soup and a sandwhich. It’s like those movies you can always watch because they’re so comforting or human flesh to a cannibal. I mean, you ask a fat kid if he wants a candy bar at any time of day and he’ll probably say yes. Ask me what i’d like for dinner and i may not be sure what i’m in the mood for, but offer me tomato soup and turkey on wheat and i’m as content as a monkey flinging pooh.

Freedom Fries

So, I was thinking. If you are in the location whose name preceeds an item as it’s description, do you still use the the descriptive geographic word?

Translation: in sweden, are swedish fish just “fish”?
spain, is Spanish rice just “rice”?
ireland, is irish coffee just “coffee”?

France is like the motherload. French fries, bread, toast, kissing. Do you french kiss a girl in france or just kiss and when not using tongues…i don’t know…”American kiss”? We’re not even sure what the true origin of the “fry” is anyway, so why does france own it? Many say it was a belgium creation and it was actually a Belgian immigrant who brought fries to the english.
But, the english call french fries, chips, when they should be calling then “belgian fries”. What do they call potato chips in england, though, if chips is already taken?
my brain hurts. it’s all delicious so i guess i shouldn’t care.